Phone calls

Not that it has happened for the first time. There have been several occasions when we would not call each other for days. But this time, it’s different. While on all other occasions, we would fight on trivial issues and decide to hang up on each other and then expect the other to call first, this time we have mutually decided to stop calling regularly. Considering the fact that we used to call each other ten times a day and speak for hours together, when we decided to step back, phone calls were the first thing on the hit list. So, we have decided to call each other just once a week now.

Waiting for her call is unbearable. Not waiting is impossible. I understand that things are not like before and I also understand that she must be going through the same feeling of uneasiness like I am. But, as I said before, the time has come.

The missing word

Every time she would write me a mail, she would write “Love” before signing off. The mail I received today had just her name, the love was missing. Not that she has stopped loving me. She must have thought a lot before deciding to drop the word. She must have felt bad. But, the time has come; the time for us to pretend that we are no longer in love.

Dave's story

This Dave guy had a really tough life. He was working as a weather report presenter in a local news channel. He was making pretty good money, good enough for him to call his career lucrative. Though, apart from the salary part, it was anything but lucrative. Not to mention, he had a really screwed up life- he was divorced, his kids were staying with his ex-wife and he had an ailing father to take care of.

Dave was often a victim of public anger. People would throw things on him on the road every time his weather predication went wrong. It happened almost every month, so much so that after some time he just stopped reacting to it. His father thought he was good for nothing. He thought Dave was not taking care of his children. His wife thought he was weird. His children never really thought anything about him.

Dave, on the other hand, was anything but casual. He was very caring towards his father. He would accompany his father to the doctor and make sure that he got all the medication he required. He wanted to start things again with his wife and even went to a family consultant, which somehow did not work. His children had their own set of problems which he tried to solve putting his best effort.

Dave was torn between his unsuccessful work and family life. Every step he took to make things better, backfired. Frustrated, though showing no sign of frustration, he lead his life as if nothing happened. He knew that his family was not really proud of all that was doing. He knew that he was considered a loser in the materialistic American world. But, he had a dream. He had a dream of making it big. He applied for a for a position in a national news channel that would give hem a million dollars in salary, respect, and yes, a sense of achievement. He got the job, finally.

Right when everything looked like going right, he was in a dilemma whether to stay back with his family which he loved so much or to relocate to New York for the new job. His kids did not want to relocate to New York. His ex-wife was planning to marry another guy. His father was about to die in a few days. It wasn’t an easy decision for him to make. He kept buying time from the people who offered him the job, but as days passed, it looked like he was not going to join them. The only dream he had nurtured amongst all the difficulties in life was about to break. At last it was quite certain that he was going to turn down the offer.

All this while, I wanted him to go to New York. I knew it was not easy for him but I wanted him to leave his personal life behind and start things again. I was sad that the job that was so important for him, that he got after so much of hard work, that could change his life, was right in his hand but he was almost throwing it away. I was sad that he was going to be another guy who would shatter his dreams at the cost of meaningless relationships. I was sad that probably life would not give him a second chance.

Guess what, at the last moment, he accepted the offer. He went to New York and made it big. His ex wife got married to another guy, his father died, his children stayed back with their mom. Here in New York, he was alone but happy. After all, he achieved the American Dream of being successful in life.

It’s always better to be happy alone than be sad in a crowd. Relationships are meant to push you up, the moment they try to pull you down, you must realize that there is something wrong. Moreover, you must realize that emotional and material happiness can co-exist but if you have to make a choice, remember, emotions change, materials do not. It is always great to be with your loved ones, but if things don’t work, move on. If you have a dream, do not let any emotional obstacle stop you from achieving it. We can all be like Dave- though alone, happy. By the way, Dave is the guy from The Weather Man, a movie I saw a few days back.

The wake-up call

Every morning my phone would ring, exactly at nine. That’s my wake-up call. But, the phone did not ring today.

I know it must have been difficult for her to not call me considering the fact that she would wait for the clock to show nine so that she could wake me up. I understand, it’s not easy for her. Somehow I was also so dependent on her that I didn’t realize I have stopped using the alarm. I got up late today and there was a feeling as if there was something missing. Yes, it was the call. It was the voice that I was starting my day with, for weeks.

I know I have nothing to complain. I have got more than I deserve from her. In return, I gave her only tears. All this while I have been blaming her. All this while, I kept her at the receiving end. Now I am going through the same emotional turmoil that she has been going through for years. Now I can feel how she must be feeling. Now I understand the pain of not getting something that you want so desperately, something so close to you but can’t be yours. Unfortunately, it’s only now that I understand her better but I am helpless.

I know this is just the beginning. A lot of things will change in near future, a lot of pictures will fall from he wall, a lot of gifts will turn into mementoes, a lot of things will turn into memories- the wake-up call is just one of them. As the days progress, the list will only get longer.

Pandemonium

My heart seems to be taking revenge on me for having followed my mind all my life. It has put me in the middle of a labyrinth of emotions and I have gone so deep inside that I feel asphyxiated. A distressing feeling of exanimation is creeping in- slowly, very slowly-making it even more difficult.

Trying to keep my head high, I always decided to follow my mind. In the process, I crushed so many dreams. Each of the dreams had equal share of emotional involvement of others-of people I loved, of people who loved me. Dreams that people had lots of expectations from. Dreams that could change our lives. Instead, I decided to follow my mind and thought of only my dreams, dreams that had only me in them, the achievement of which could give me a dry sense of pride. Eventually, all my dreams have come true, but at a price, the price of the tears of people who loved me.

Life for me has been a set of projects. Each project involving a set of goals, the success of which depends on proper planning and execution. Most of the time, the execution means limited time and concern for others. Every time I needed to choose between options, I chose the one that I thought would least hamper my plans. Every time I chose the route to material happiness rather than emotional happiness. I thought I was happy.

However, an incident today made me feel that there are a lot of feelings my heart did not recognize before still exist somewhere within me. Moreover, like other times, I cannot just ignore what I faced. May be that’s something that happens to everybody but these emotions were very new to me. I never felt like this before. These are feelings I am not able to categorize. They force me to change my mind. My mind, that has withstood many of such onslaughts, doesn’t seem to be able to handle this. It’s an emotional turmoil that is constantly trying to bring the dark side of me out in the open, trying to make me stand naked in front of the mirror and ask myself if this is what I wanted to become, if this is what I deserve, if this is all I could get. I feel my own scream making me deaf, my own nails peeling the skin off my body, my own hands tearing my veins apart and drenching me in my own blood.

Today I am going through a flood of emotions. Today I am sad, cold, numb, angry, jealous, disappointed, and lonely, all at the same time. Heart seems to have won over mind today.