The wake-up call

Every morning my phone would ring, exactly at nine. That’s my wake-up call. But, the phone did not ring today.

I know it must have been difficult for her to not call me considering the fact that she would wait for the clock to show nine so that she could wake me up. I understand, it’s not easy for her. Somehow I was also so dependent on her that I didn’t realize I have stopped using the alarm. I got up late today and there was a feeling as if there was something missing. Yes, it was the call. It was the voice that I was starting my day with, for weeks.

I know I have nothing to complain. I have got more than I deserve from her. In return, I gave her only tears. All this while I have been blaming her. All this while, I kept her at the receiving end. Now I am going through the same emotional turmoil that she has been going through for years. Now I can feel how she must be feeling. Now I understand the pain of not getting something that you want so desperately, something so close to you but can’t be yours. Unfortunately, it’s only now that I understand her better but I am helpless.

I know this is just the beginning. A lot of things will change in near future, a lot of pictures will fall from he wall, a lot of gifts will turn into mementoes, a lot of things will turn into memories- the wake-up call is just one of them. As the days progress, the list will only get longer.

Pandemonium

My heart seems to be taking revenge on me for having followed my mind all my life. It has put me in the middle of a labyrinth of emotions and I have gone so deep inside that I feel asphyxiated. A distressing feeling of exanimation is creeping in- slowly, very slowly-making it even more difficult.

Trying to keep my head high, I always decided to follow my mind. In the process, I crushed so many dreams. Each of the dreams had equal share of emotional involvement of others-of people I loved, of people who loved me. Dreams that people had lots of expectations from. Dreams that could change our lives. Instead, I decided to follow my mind and thought of only my dreams, dreams that had only me in them, the achievement of which could give me a dry sense of pride. Eventually, all my dreams have come true, but at a price, the price of the tears of people who loved me.

Life for me has been a set of projects. Each project involving a set of goals, the success of which depends on proper planning and execution. Most of the time, the execution means limited time and concern for others. Every time I needed to choose between options, I chose the one that I thought would least hamper my plans. Every time I chose the route to material happiness rather than emotional happiness. I thought I was happy.

However, an incident today made me feel that there are a lot of feelings my heart did not recognize before still exist somewhere within me. Moreover, like other times, I cannot just ignore what I faced. May be that’s something that happens to everybody but these emotions were very new to me. I never felt like this before. These are feelings I am not able to categorize. They force me to change my mind. My mind, that has withstood many of such onslaughts, doesn’t seem to be able to handle this. It’s an emotional turmoil that is constantly trying to bring the dark side of me out in the open, trying to make me stand naked in front of the mirror and ask myself if this is what I wanted to become, if this is what I deserve, if this is all I could get. I feel my own scream making me deaf, my own nails peeling the skin off my body, my own hands tearing my veins apart and drenching me in my own blood.

Today I am going through a flood of emotions. Today I am sad, cold, numb, angry, jealous, disappointed, and lonely, all at the same time. Heart seems to have won over mind today.

John and Jane, and Me

I saw John and Jane last Sunday. Before you start wondering who the hell are they- it’s a movie. It’s a movie about six youngsters working in a call center somewhere in India. All of them have their own reasons to work in a call center. Some like their job, some others don’t. However, all of them have dreams of getting out of the call center one day and making it big in life.

Three years back, I was also a part of the crowd that got up in the middle of the night to go to office, when the whole of eastern world was in sleep. Working in the weirdest time of night I have sold the weirdest things over phone- fire blanket, newspaper, loans, Dish TV connection, mobile phones and a whole lot of similar things. Initially, it was fun. After being rejected by a few companies when I got this job, I accepted the offer without thinking twice. What I didn’t realize was the pain that was to follow.

Every night I would call hundreds of people in the US. Some would listen, some would not, some would just hang up on my face, some others would abuse. While I would be going through all this, the Sales Board would still show a big zero next to my name. Some days I would make no sale and get consolation from my Team Leader, some other day I would make the highest number of sales on the floor and get appreciation. When the shift would get over every morning, I would decide to quit the job and do something different. However, every night I would go back to the office to do the same pre-programmed job.

One day I saw an advertisement in a newspaper asking for applications for a three month course in Instructional Design by an e-learning company. It meant nine hours of work in the night and eight hours of training during the day, which gave me just seven hours for other things which includes sleeping, eating, commuting to offices in two different areas in the city etc. Initially I was apprehensive about it, but finally I got myself admitted in the course. The trainers wanted me to quit my job and focus on the course but I had to take care of my finances so I decided to continue both.

While I knew that I was quitting my job in maximum three months, I didn’t want to leave the job as a loser. Despite getting no time to eat or sleep, I put in efforts to make sure that I quit the job as the best performer and with my head high. I didn’t want my tight schedule to affect my work. Though I couldn’t do anything extraordinary, I kept my performance at an above average level.

At the training classes, I was the best performer. Since I had joined this course with my limited finances, I had no other options but to do well. I also got assurance that I will be placed after the completion of the course which further fuelled my efforts. But, fate had other plans.

In just one month my body decided to betray me. I got seriously ill. I started to vomit blood. I had no other option but to decide on either this or that. I knew that I will have a good job after two months but I could not afford to leave my job for the course. I decided to drop the course and continue the job.

I didn’t go to the class for a week or so and then I got a call from them. I was asked to come to their office. When I told them about my situation, they appreciated the way I had performed in the past one month despite all these problems and offered me the position right away. Since then I have been working as an Instructional Designer and I guess I have done a good job till now.

I left my call center job and joined the e-learning company. However, despite all the hardships, humiliation, frustration I had to go through during the six months at the call center, it taught me a lot of things. It taught me that hard work pays, it taught me that every call comes with a possibility, it taught me that numbers are what matters at the end of the day, finally, it taught me to remember failures forget successes. If I had forgotten the failures, I would never have been able to reach where I am today would still be part of the crowd of Johns and Janes.

Phoren Dreams

“When are you going abroad?”-is the question that I have been asked a hundred times. The answer depends on who is asking-very soon, after a couple of months, next year, not interested at all-are the answers I give.

I don’t blame the questioners though. Somehow, going abroad has become the most cherished dream for most of the guys I know. Neither is it bad to dream about going abroad. After all, we all have got this one life to do whatever we dream of.

I know a lot of guys whose only dream in life is to go abroad. Some took up computer science just to go abroad, some gave JEE a miss to prepare for SAT, for some GRE was more important that board exams, for some others, any means of going abroad was welcome. I also know a few guys who went abroad just because they could afford to- “when I can afford, why not” was the answer. But the fact is, most of them were losers. They went abroad because they couldn’t make it here in India. None of them dropped IIT or IIM to go to Harvard or Stanford. They couldn’t manage to get a seat in the good institutes here so they decided to join worse institutes abroad. The next logic was studying abroad will get them better jobs. Well, that’s true, but is that the only way to succeed? I don’t agree.

I am not cribbing about people who went abroad. In most of the cases, I am happy that they atleast got what they wanted, however useless it might seem to me. I am happy that they are happy. But what makes me sad is when they feel like we are in anyway less able then them.

Now let's get to the point- when am I going abroad? The answer is “I don’t know”. I will only go when I have multiple options to choose from and I will decide which one to choose. All my life, I have tried to see that I reach level where I have options to choose from. In college I chose to study Arts when I had offers from Science and Commerce as well. I chose to take up English Literature when I had offers from Economics also. I chose to take up Instructional Design when I had offers to join Corporate Communications and Advertising. Besides, every time I decided to change my job, I got multiple options to choose from and I decided where to join (not necessarily the best paying). Now after four years of work experience, while I am working a good company with a good salary, I have chosen to go for my MBA between the choices of continuing the work and lead a good life and toil for two years and lead a better life. And yes, when I talk of choices, I mean the best choices possible. Unfortunately, I don’t have many choices left for me to decide on which institute to join for my MBA. It is going to be XLRI, the best institute in Asia Pacific for HR.

So while you are wondering as to what exactly the plan is- the plan is to do the best in work, join the best institute, top the class, get the best of offers and choose the best job. And if I ever go abroad, will not go as a loser, for sure.

Finally...

Finally the time has come. After three years, three thousand promises, and three million moments to cherish- the day had to come.

It hurts. It hurts even more because all the while you spoke of quitting and I was trying to pull us together. Finally, I failed. And this time, probably I won’t go back to you. I won’t let my life dance to your mood swing. I won’t let you affect my life. Moreover, I won’t ask you forget and come back.

Every time I told you my problem, you thought I was making an excuse. Every time you said you understood my problem, you lied. I won’t blame you though. After all, they are my problems.

Anyways, it’s your life and you have all the rights to decide what’s best for you. I wish you all the best for your future and at this point the only thing I can say is, let’s move on.