Pandemonium

My heart seems to be taking revenge on me for having followed my mind all my life. It has put me in the middle of a labyrinth of emotions and I have gone so deep inside that I feel asphyxiated. A distressing feeling of exanimation is creeping in- slowly, very slowly-making it even more difficult.

Trying to keep my head high, I always decided to follow my mind. In the process, I crushed so many dreams. Each of the dreams had equal share of emotional involvement of others-of people I loved, of people who loved me. Dreams that people had lots of expectations from. Dreams that could change our lives. Instead, I decided to follow my mind and thought of only my dreams, dreams that had only me in them, the achievement of which could give me a dry sense of pride. Eventually, all my dreams have come true, but at a price, the price of the tears of people who loved me.

Life for me has been a set of projects. Each project involving a set of goals, the success of which depends on proper planning and execution. Most of the time, the execution means limited time and concern for others. Every time I needed to choose between options, I chose the one that I thought would least hamper my plans. Every time I chose the route to material happiness rather than emotional happiness. I thought I was happy.

However, an incident today made me feel that there are a lot of feelings my heart did not recognize before still exist somewhere within me. Moreover, like other times, I cannot just ignore what I faced. May be that’s something that happens to everybody but these emotions were very new to me. I never felt like this before. These are feelings I am not able to categorize. They force me to change my mind. My mind, that has withstood many of such onslaughts, doesn’t seem to be able to handle this. It’s an emotional turmoil that is constantly trying to bring the dark side of me out in the open, trying to make me stand naked in front of the mirror and ask myself if this is what I wanted to become, if this is what I deserve, if this is all I could get. I feel my own scream making me deaf, my own nails peeling the skin off my body, my own hands tearing my veins apart and drenching me in my own blood.

Today I am going through a flood of emotions. Today I am sad, cold, numb, angry, jealous, disappointed, and lonely, all at the same time. Heart seems to have won over mind today.