Ten things I learnt from life

I completed 26 years of this life last month. In the past 26 years, life has put me through different situations and each of them taught me something new. Then I thought I will make a list of things that I learnt from life which will help me make my future better. However, the list just went on and on. Finally, I thought I will shorten the list. So, here is the list of the top 10 things that I have learnt.

1. Think before you speak. Most of the time I got into trouble, it was because I said something about somebody somewhere. Not that I am the kind who likes to make people’s secrets open, but somehow in my case, every time the guy I spoke to and the guy I spoke about, came together. Next, was always history.
   
2. Plan before you do. I generally plan everything I do. It’s only because of proper planning and execution that I am what I am today. Planning doesn’t really make things easy but it definitely puts things on track and gives you a focus. Moreover, planning makes it easy for you to check the status of your progress. Especially when you are multi-tasking, planning is a must.
   
3. Take relationships seriously. It takes a lot of time to build a relationship, to break, it takes just a moment. Plus, it’s only when a relationship is broken that you realize its importance. Unless you are committed, do not get into any relationship. Once you are committed, try to keep it going. Trust me, its not really a good feeling to see your loved ones going away from you.
   
4. Do not push aside responsibilities. We all love independence. However, independence doesn’t give us the option of running away from responsibilities. Responsibilities of your family needs to be on priority. All of us have dreams that we try to achieve. But, after your achievement, if your family is not with you to celebrate, it’s meaningless.
   
5. There is no time as right time. Do not wait for the right time to start anything. If you need to do something, just do it. All my unfulfilled dreams are because I am still waiting for the right time which, I am sure, is not coming soon. Moreover, starting things early doesn’t really hurt.
   
6. Knowledge never goes waste. Do not shy away from learning new things. You never know, when these small skills may help you. When I started taking interest in computers while studying literature, people said it won't really help career wise. Today I am working in a software product company making as much as computer engineers. If I had not pursued my interest then, I don’t know what would have happened to me.
   
7. Be prepared for surprises. Life is full of surprises. While some surprises are pleasant, some others shatter you. It is pretty obvious that the way you enjoy all the happiness from pleasant surprises, you must also accept the problems that come with the not so pleasant ones.
   
8. Money matters. Money cannot buy everything, but you need money to buy even the bare necessities of life. Do not disrespect money just because you are making a little more than others, spend it intelligently. At the same time, don’t be stingy. If spending a little money on something can make you happy, go ahead.
   
9. Success is temporary. Perseverance pays. If you try hard, you will definitely be successful. However, success should not change you. If you relax after you get what you set out to achieve, it will soon go out of your hand. You must understand that maintaining your success is as important as achieving it. Many a times it has happened to me that I got what I wanted but I was about to lose it because of my carelessness.
   
10. Respect others. None of us is a genius. If you can do something, there must me someone else who can do better. At the same time, everybody has some unique quality which must be respected. We all have hearts with love and affection. We feel hurt if our feelings are made fun of. The same way, we must also realize that the same happens to others as well. Respect others, others’ feelings.

Integrity in question, again!

I was never committed, she said. I am still not sure if she meant it. After doing all that I could do, this was the last thing I expected. I understand she was angry, but, in anger, you generally speak your mind.

Yes, I was not committed. If putting her interest in priority as opposed to mine, deciding to drop the plans I had made for my life, deciding to let love take over logic, deciding to push everybody else aside for the one I loved, and deciding to stand by her when she needed me doesn’t mean commitment, I was not committed.

What she failed to understand is that I am equally sad because things are not happening the way we thought. Even more saddening is the fact that she has started suspecting my integrity. I also have a heart. I also have feelings. I also feel hurt. However, I am not going to answer her back. She has been great all through so this one-off statement is not going to change what I feel for her. I still consider her one of my own, one I can trust. At the same time, I am not going to do anything that will change her opinion on me, because after doing all that I did, I don’t think I have to prove anything to anyone.

Phone calls

Not that it has happened for the first time. There have been several occasions when we would not call each other for days. But this time, it’s different. While on all other occasions, we would fight on trivial issues and decide to hang up on each other and then expect the other to call first, this time we have mutually decided to stop calling regularly. Considering the fact that we used to call each other ten times a day and speak for hours together, when we decided to step back, phone calls were the first thing on the hit list. So, we have decided to call each other just once a week now.

Waiting for her call is unbearable. Not waiting is impossible. I understand that things are not like before and I also understand that she must be going through the same feeling of uneasiness like I am. But, as I said before, the time has come.

The missing word

Every time she would write me a mail, she would write “Love” before signing off. The mail I received today had just her name, the love was missing. Not that she has stopped loving me. She must have thought a lot before deciding to drop the word. She must have felt bad. But, the time has come; the time for us to pretend that we are no longer in love.

Dave's story

This Dave guy had a really tough life. He was working as a weather report presenter in a local news channel. He was making pretty good money, good enough for him to call his career lucrative. Though, apart from the salary part, it was anything but lucrative. Not to mention, he had a really screwed up life- he was divorced, his kids were staying with his ex-wife and he had an ailing father to take care of.

Dave was often a victim of public anger. People would throw things on him on the road every time his weather predication went wrong. It happened almost every month, so much so that after some time he just stopped reacting to it. His father thought he was good for nothing. He thought Dave was not taking care of his children. His wife thought he was weird. His children never really thought anything about him.

Dave, on the other hand, was anything but casual. He was very caring towards his father. He would accompany his father to the doctor and make sure that he got all the medication he required. He wanted to start things again with his wife and even went to a family consultant, which somehow did not work. His children had their own set of problems which he tried to solve putting his best effort.

Dave was torn between his unsuccessful work and family life. Every step he took to make things better, backfired. Frustrated, though showing no sign of frustration, he lead his life as if nothing happened. He knew that his family was not really proud of all that was doing. He knew that he was considered a loser in the materialistic American world. But, he had a dream. He had a dream of making it big. He applied for a for a position in a national news channel that would give hem a million dollars in salary, respect, and yes, a sense of achievement. He got the job, finally.

Right when everything looked like going right, he was in a dilemma whether to stay back with his family which he loved so much or to relocate to New York for the new job. His kids did not want to relocate to New York. His ex-wife was planning to marry another guy. His father was about to die in a few days. It wasn’t an easy decision for him to make. He kept buying time from the people who offered him the job, but as days passed, it looked like he was not going to join them. The only dream he had nurtured amongst all the difficulties in life was about to break. At last it was quite certain that he was going to turn down the offer.

All this while, I wanted him to go to New York. I knew it was not easy for him but I wanted him to leave his personal life behind and start things again. I was sad that the job that was so important for him, that he got after so much of hard work, that could change his life, was right in his hand but he was almost throwing it away. I was sad that he was going to be another guy who would shatter his dreams at the cost of meaningless relationships. I was sad that probably life would not give him a second chance.

Guess what, at the last moment, he accepted the offer. He went to New York and made it big. His ex wife got married to another guy, his father died, his children stayed back with their mom. Here in New York, he was alone but happy. After all, he achieved the American Dream of being successful in life.

It’s always better to be happy alone than be sad in a crowd. Relationships are meant to push you up, the moment they try to pull you down, you must realize that there is something wrong. Moreover, you must realize that emotional and material happiness can co-exist but if you have to make a choice, remember, emotions change, materials do not. It is always great to be with your loved ones, but if things don’t work, move on. If you have a dream, do not let any emotional obstacle stop you from achieving it. We can all be like Dave- though alone, happy. By the way, Dave is the guy from The Weather Man, a movie I saw a few days back.

The wake-up call

Every morning my phone would ring, exactly at nine. That’s my wake-up call. But, the phone did not ring today.

I know it must have been difficult for her to not call me considering the fact that she would wait for the clock to show nine so that she could wake me up. I understand, it’s not easy for her. Somehow I was also so dependent on her that I didn’t realize I have stopped using the alarm. I got up late today and there was a feeling as if there was something missing. Yes, it was the call. It was the voice that I was starting my day with, for weeks.

I know I have nothing to complain. I have got more than I deserve from her. In return, I gave her only tears. All this while I have been blaming her. All this while, I kept her at the receiving end. Now I am going through the same emotional turmoil that she has been going through for years. Now I can feel how she must be feeling. Now I understand the pain of not getting something that you want so desperately, something so close to you but can’t be yours. Unfortunately, it’s only now that I understand her better but I am helpless.

I know this is just the beginning. A lot of things will change in near future, a lot of pictures will fall from he wall, a lot of gifts will turn into mementoes, a lot of things will turn into memories- the wake-up call is just one of them. As the days progress, the list will only get longer.

Pandemonium

My heart seems to be taking revenge on me for having followed my mind all my life. It has put me in the middle of a labyrinth of emotions and I have gone so deep inside that I feel asphyxiated. A distressing feeling of exanimation is creeping in- slowly, very slowly-making it even more difficult.

Trying to keep my head high, I always decided to follow my mind. In the process, I crushed so many dreams. Each of the dreams had equal share of emotional involvement of others-of people I loved, of people who loved me. Dreams that people had lots of expectations from. Dreams that could change our lives. Instead, I decided to follow my mind and thought of only my dreams, dreams that had only me in them, the achievement of which could give me a dry sense of pride. Eventually, all my dreams have come true, but at a price, the price of the tears of people who loved me.

Life for me has been a set of projects. Each project involving a set of goals, the success of which depends on proper planning and execution. Most of the time, the execution means limited time and concern for others. Every time I needed to choose between options, I chose the one that I thought would least hamper my plans. Every time I chose the route to material happiness rather than emotional happiness. I thought I was happy.

However, an incident today made me feel that there are a lot of feelings my heart did not recognize before still exist somewhere within me. Moreover, like other times, I cannot just ignore what I faced. May be that’s something that happens to everybody but these emotions were very new to me. I never felt like this before. These are feelings I am not able to categorize. They force me to change my mind. My mind, that has withstood many of such onslaughts, doesn’t seem to be able to handle this. It’s an emotional turmoil that is constantly trying to bring the dark side of me out in the open, trying to make me stand naked in front of the mirror and ask myself if this is what I wanted to become, if this is what I deserve, if this is all I could get. I feel my own scream making me deaf, my own nails peeling the skin off my body, my own hands tearing my veins apart and drenching me in my own blood.

Today I am going through a flood of emotions. Today I am sad, cold, numb, angry, jealous, disappointed, and lonely, all at the same time. Heart seems to have won over mind today.

John and Jane, and Me

I saw John and Jane last Sunday. Before you start wondering who the hell are they- it’s a movie. It’s a movie about six youngsters working in a call center somewhere in India. All of them have their own reasons to work in a call center. Some like their job, some others don’t. However, all of them have dreams of getting out of the call center one day and making it big in life.

Three years back, I was also a part of the crowd that got up in the middle of the night to go to office, when the whole of eastern world was in sleep. Working in the weirdest time of night I have sold the weirdest things over phone- fire blanket, newspaper, loans, Dish TV connection, mobile phones and a whole lot of similar things. Initially, it was fun. After being rejected by a few companies when I got this job, I accepted the offer without thinking twice. What I didn’t realize was the pain that was to follow.

Every night I would call hundreds of people in the US. Some would listen, some would not, some would just hang up on my face, some others would abuse. While I would be going through all this, the Sales Board would still show a big zero next to my name. Some days I would make no sale and get consolation from my Team Leader, some other day I would make the highest number of sales on the floor and get appreciation. When the shift would get over every morning, I would decide to quit the job and do something different. However, every night I would go back to the office to do the same pre-programmed job.

One day I saw an advertisement in a newspaper asking for applications for a three month course in Instructional Design by an e-learning company. It meant nine hours of work in the night and eight hours of training during the day, which gave me just seven hours for other things which includes sleeping, eating, commuting to offices in two different areas in the city etc. Initially I was apprehensive about it, but finally I got myself admitted in the course. The trainers wanted me to quit my job and focus on the course but I had to take care of my finances so I decided to continue both.

While I knew that I was quitting my job in maximum three months, I didn’t want to leave the job as a loser. Despite getting no time to eat or sleep, I put in efforts to make sure that I quit the job as the best performer and with my head high. I didn’t want my tight schedule to affect my work. Though I couldn’t do anything extraordinary, I kept my performance at an above average level.

At the training classes, I was the best performer. Since I had joined this course with my limited finances, I had no other options but to do well. I also got assurance that I will be placed after the completion of the course which further fuelled my efforts. But, fate had other plans.

In just one month my body decided to betray me. I got seriously ill. I started to vomit blood. I had no other option but to decide on either this or that. I knew that I will have a good job after two months but I could not afford to leave my job for the course. I decided to drop the course and continue the job.

I didn’t go to the class for a week or so and then I got a call from them. I was asked to come to their office. When I told them about my situation, they appreciated the way I had performed in the past one month despite all these problems and offered me the position right away. Since then I have been working as an Instructional Designer and I guess I have done a good job till now.

I left my call center job and joined the e-learning company. However, despite all the hardships, humiliation, frustration I had to go through during the six months at the call center, it taught me a lot of things. It taught me that hard work pays, it taught me that every call comes with a possibility, it taught me that numbers are what matters at the end of the day, finally, it taught me to remember failures forget successes. If I had forgotten the failures, I would never have been able to reach where I am today would still be part of the crowd of Johns and Janes.

Phoren Dreams

“When are you going abroad?”-is the question that I have been asked a hundred times. The answer depends on who is asking-very soon, after a couple of months, next year, not interested at all-are the answers I give.

I don’t blame the questioners though. Somehow, going abroad has become the most cherished dream for most of the guys I know. Neither is it bad to dream about going abroad. After all, we all have got this one life to do whatever we dream of.

I know a lot of guys whose only dream in life is to go abroad. Some took up computer science just to go abroad, some gave JEE a miss to prepare for SAT, for some GRE was more important that board exams, for some others, any means of going abroad was welcome. I also know a few guys who went abroad just because they could afford to- “when I can afford, why not” was the answer. But the fact is, most of them were losers. They went abroad because they couldn’t make it here in India. None of them dropped IIT or IIM to go to Harvard or Stanford. They couldn’t manage to get a seat in the good institutes here so they decided to join worse institutes abroad. The next logic was studying abroad will get them better jobs. Well, that’s true, but is that the only way to succeed? I don’t agree.

I am not cribbing about people who went abroad. In most of the cases, I am happy that they atleast got what they wanted, however useless it might seem to me. I am happy that they are happy. But what makes me sad is when they feel like we are in anyway less able then them.

Now let's get to the point- when am I going abroad? The answer is “I don’t know”. I will only go when I have multiple options to choose from and I will decide which one to choose. All my life, I have tried to see that I reach level where I have options to choose from. In college I chose to study Arts when I had offers from Science and Commerce as well. I chose to take up English Literature when I had offers from Economics also. I chose to take up Instructional Design when I had offers to join Corporate Communications and Advertising. Besides, every time I decided to change my job, I got multiple options to choose from and I decided where to join (not necessarily the best paying). Now after four years of work experience, while I am working a good company with a good salary, I have chosen to go for my MBA between the choices of continuing the work and lead a good life and toil for two years and lead a better life. And yes, when I talk of choices, I mean the best choices possible. Unfortunately, I don’t have many choices left for me to decide on which institute to join for my MBA. It is going to be XLRI, the best institute in Asia Pacific for HR.

So while you are wondering as to what exactly the plan is- the plan is to do the best in work, join the best institute, top the class, get the best of offers and choose the best job. And if I ever go abroad, will not go as a loser, for sure.

Finally...

Finally the time has come. After three years, three thousand promises, and three million moments to cherish- the day had to come.

It hurts. It hurts even more because all the while you spoke of quitting and I was trying to pull us together. Finally, I failed. And this time, probably I won’t go back to you. I won’t let my life dance to your mood swing. I won’t let you affect my life. Moreover, I won’t ask you forget and come back.

Every time I told you my problem, you thought I was making an excuse. Every time you said you understood my problem, you lied. I won’t blame you though. After all, they are my problems.

Anyways, it’s your life and you have all the rights to decide what’s best for you. I wish you all the best for your future and at this point the only thing I can say is, let’s move on.

Daily routine of an Instructional Designer

8.30- The alarm rings. I press the snooze button.
8:40- The alarm rings again. I switch it off.
9:30- I get up but still roll on the bed.
10:00- Finally, I get up.
10:30- I start for office.
11:00- I reach office.
11:30- I check my mails, chat, check the news, orkut, etc. etc.
12:30- I feel hungry, wait for lunch.
1:00- Lunch Time.
1:45- I finish my lunch and go for a smoke.
2:15- I come back from smoke and start my work.
3:30- Time for a game of Table Tennis.
4:30- I come back to my desk with snacks in hand.
5:00- I prepare for the meeting scheduled in the day.
6:00- Coffee/Tea/Smoke.
6:30- Meeting starts.
7:30- Meeting ends.
8:00- I leave office.
8:30- I reach home.

Not that I am on bench. I am very much a performer in my office. But, my office is so bloody generous that I have started feeling guilty of myself. As if this wasn’t enough, they have started serving beer in office also. I have become so bloody spoilt and lethargic. I just hope my office doesn’t make me impotent.

Memories

The voice that was music, the voice that I could recognize amongst a million voices, the voice I dreamt of starting my day listing to, the voice I longed to hear while going to sleep, the voice that told me how much you loved me- the voice that was yours.

The touch that triggered a rush on my body, the touch that ignited the blood running through my veins, the touch that made me lose myself, the touch that pushed me towards you- the touch that was yours.

The smell of your skin- enthralling, captivating, mesmerizing, hypnotizing, the smell that made leaving you for a moment feel like the end of the world, the smell I sometimes suspected of having crept into my skin- the smell that was yours.

The sight of you shrinking every time I held your hands, the sight of you closing your eyes every time you put your head on my shoulders, the sight of you looking right into my eyes that tore me apart- the sight of only you in front of me.

The taste of your skin when I kissed you, the taste of the leftover tea in your cup, the taste of life when you were close, the taste of the tear drops when you left me- the taste of love.

I miss them all.

I just imagine how life would have been if you were here with me today. I just wish you did not break my trust. I just wish you did not change. Still, your memories did not betray, they didn’t fake, they didn’t lie, and they are still there with me.

Something fishy

After some ultra-eventful weeks, things have just stopped happening to me.

I come to office expecting a proper dress down for having delivered a project much after the deadline and what I get is appreciation for my good work. I go the coaching class expecting the worst possible humiliation for having not prepared and the teacher asks me the only question I know the answer to. I ride my bike defying all speed limits and I still reach home safely, not to mention saving a lot of time that way. I play Table Tennis in the weirdest possible ways and still win.

I think God has really some horrific plans for me in future. Wish me luck!

Numbers

4- Number of days I went without food just because I did not have money.
1, 40,000- My credit card limit today.

3- Number of companies who rejected me when I had applied for my first job.
600- percent is my salary today of what it was 3 years ago when I started my career.

3- Number of times I tried to suicide as I thought I cannot make it in life.
1- Once I decided to make it big in life- have never looked back since then.

A million- Accusations, abuses and fingers pointed at me.
0- Number of people who really understood me.